hugs

I was recently reading this novel about the memoirs of a bulimic and anoretic called "Wasted".

it was harsh, intense, amazing, and insane and has left me in a daze ever since I started reading it.

I finished it yesterday and it felt like something cracked in me. while I was reading it I was truly disturbed by her experiences and the novel, if anything, made me obsess more about my own disorder.

but you know what happened. even though I felt worse about my ed, the novel was a push for me to say "well I am never going to let myself get to that point". and my food log is evidence of the fact that I have been pushing myself harder this week to eat right and be honest.

anyways, the true point I wanted to bring up is regarding something the author said about hugging.

yes, it's a simple act of love between two people where, for a brief moment, they make contact and demonstrate their caring for one another. howeever, this simple act is much more of a deep and human act of love than most of our actions. it's the physical act of opening yourself (your arms) up to another and bringing someone into your own personal space.

what I've noticed is that my boyfriend is the only person in my life who actually gives me such spiritual and caring hugs. his hugs are not like my mother's who (out of worry, can you blame her?) tends to run her hands up and down my back in a type of "count the bones" type of hug. or those superficial "tap taps" your friends give you. no, his hugs actually make me stop in my tracks, pause in the middle of any thought or sentence and just sink in. his are geniune and I feel so damn lucky to have at least one person in my life who can bring me back to such an honest and human expression.